Non-Sequitir

So to combat my depression of the last few months that cumulated in my neanderthal boyfriend breaking up with me two weeks ago, I decided to bring home a kitten. Because, y'know, there's nothing MORE uplifting than being a cat-lady at (almost) 24. Maybe not the smartest move, but hell... she needed a home and I needed a warm body in my bed every once in a while. Now, she's cute as anything, but what a TERROR. I grew up with dogs. Cats I played with at other people's houses, and occaisionally they peed on me. Dogs listen, are trainable. Cats really just do whatever they feel like, and when you scold them, they simply scold you back. I know everyone says 'if only they could stay cute little kittens', but I'm saying 'I can't wait until she's a lazy old cat that just wants to sleep all day'. There are two plusses I'm finding so far. 1 - she came potty-trained, and (so far) messes are a non-issue. 2 - she sits in my lap. Sometimes. Oh, and the purring is kind of cute.

I don't know if having a cat is helping me cope. It's nice not to be alone in the house during the day while I job-search (although if she were a dog, we could be out getting exercise). I'm a little concerned that I made such a long-term decision in a fit of heartbroken misery... but I guess that's what I get for being spontaneous, just this once.

I'm still having 'Happily In Relationship Land' dreams on a fairly regular basis. In the last year, I'd forgotten how depressing it is to wake up from one of those and remember that it's gone and it's never coming back. At least there are bigger things in my life to worry about right now... like my best friend's new husband getting through chemo and radiation. Ah, the holidays...

Endings

The end of a relationship is such a crappy thing. There's no dignity in its death - it goes kicking and screaming, drowning and suffocating, no matter how much dignity you yourself try to maintain. It reaches out from the quicksand and tries to drag you along. And although no physical person has actually died, it feels like a part of your life has. So what do we do? We readjust, refocus, shifting things from the periphery to the forefront of our emotional depth, like an internal camera, digitally remastering our destiny. I suppose that each time your heart is broken, the refocusing period takes less time. A poem I once had on my wall ended with the phrase 'with every goodbye, you learn', and I think that's probably true. This is a tough one for me, but I'm going to try to come out of it with as little baggage as possible. Life is too short to get weighed down, and besides I'm a light traveller.


Just one question - why does it seem I always fall for guys who will never get over their exes?

Scrooge

Okay, so scratch the 'great boyfriend' off of the list below. God, I hate the Holidays.

Bad Movies

somebody offered me their gallbladder on the internet. That's kind of creepy. Reminds me of that line in Scream (I think it was Scream) when Matthew Lillard says something about finding someone's pancreas and liver in the mailbox (or was that Jamie Kennedy?)

Dazed II

Just for the record, I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I know I'm a very lucky individual right now. I'm not gay and being denied my right to live my life by the government, I'm not being drafted (yet) or sent to Iraq, I'm not on welfare, I'm not in debt (yet). I'm not poor, starving, dying of AIDS/Parkinsons/Alzheimers/Cancer/Heart Disease. I don't need a flu shot. I have a roof over my head,a job and a car to drive. I have a wonderful family, a great boyfriend, and a pet fish. All of my parts work, except my myopic eyes (which laser surgery may one day fix) and a gallbladder that I no longer have. I am a very lucky girl.

But it makes me wonder... if I feel this way today, how must those other people feel right now? The ones who don't have what I have? And how do I help?

Dazed

Do you ever just have one of those days?

You wake up in the morning from a bad dream (which somehow has the ability to determine your mood indefinitely) and realize that your life has somehow gone completely off-course? That it has, in fact, become a steaming pile? You can't find a new job because the economy is shit (no one is even CALLING about the 30 resumes you sent out this week, except for the one as a secretary at the Yoga center, who informed you that you're 'not qualified), your car is such a piece of garbage that someone offers to push it into the Hudson for you (if only you had Theft Insurance), you hate your lousy, morally degrading waitressing job, you're living with your parents at 24, you have no dental insurance and you think you have a cavity, it's cold and miserable out, you wish you could go back to grad school but have no money, and even your best friends are driving you nuts?

I'm having one of those days.

In my dream last night, I was being verbally abused by some obnoxious customers while waitressing, and was fruitlessly trying to explain to them that I graduated from the best Communications school in the country with high honors, and that I shouldn't even be there. They didn't care. All they cared about was ordering something from the menu that didn't exist. Figures.

Post This

So the only comment I've yet to see here is from someone chapping my ass over not posting enough. See, I was kind of figuring nobody really READ anything I had to say, so why bother writing? Besides... I'm still boring and unemployed. I'll post something when I have something to post. In the meantime... say nice, supportive things or I'll sick my shrink on you!!