July 14, 2005
Pacifist on the Roof
Why do I have so many high-maintenence friends? And why can't they cut me some f---ing SLACK once in a while? How is it that, in my attempt to extend friendship and kindness, I get thoroughly and constantly CRAPPED on by people? I'm starting to understand why postal workers go... well... postal.
July 13, 2005
Last Time I Did Not Receive A Piece...
Why do random work events (ie: the "ice cream social" today) remind me an awful lot of that scene from Office Space where Milton doesn't get any birthday cake?
BlogPower
I just found about 5 different "Girl Power" blogs while clicking through Waiter Rant (mostly because I lack the attention to actually READ posts today... I need reading glasses) and thought I would share them with you. Not sure how I feel about The Ass Chronicles or Lipstick Graffiti yet (the former being a little shallow and the latter... strange), but the other two look like they're worth 5 minutes...
Beatrice Petty
Lucky Spinster
PS - Casey and Dan threw their bass player out of the band recently - a Long Story Short coupe, if you will. Hence... they need a new name. If I win the 'Name Contest' I get a free shot at the gig tonight. Anyone have any suggestions...???
Beatrice Petty
Lucky Spinster
PS - Casey and Dan threw their bass player out of the band recently - a Long Story Short coupe, if you will. Hence... they need a new name. If I win the 'Name Contest' I get a free shot at the gig tonight. Anyone have any suggestions...???
July 12, 2005
Like Gumby
I hit the 2-mile mark last night! Yes, you read that right - I ran 2 solid 10-minute miles. And actually, as Casey pointed out, in sheer distance I went about 4. I won't bore you with the math, but I'm really impressed by myself. For the girl whose mantra has been "I don't run unless I'm being chased" since... birth... this is a big deal. The race is on July 23, so that gives me 12 days to be able to go 5k (about 3.2 miles for those of us non-metric folks). Keep in mind, my ability to go 2 miles is SOLEY on a treadmill... I'm probably going to drop dead outside in the 90 degree heat. But maybe not. I've never felt this way about my body before; like it can handle what I throw at it. The idea that I can push myself and not break is a novel one. All my life, I've felt... infinitely breakable. These days, I feel a little more... bendable...
July 10, 2005
That's Why They're The Writers
"Love isn't something you feel - it's something you do. And if the person you're with doesn't want it... save it for someone who does."
~ 6 Feet Under
~ 6 Feet Under
July 08, 2005
Sister Cities
I feel like I really need to say some things about the attacks on London yesterday. It was my home for 5 months... the Edgeware Road Tube stop? a 10 minute walk from my apartment. London was (and still is) a magical city... my father described it when he visited as "like Disney World without those stupid rides". The history, the culture and the people were like nothing I have ever experienced before or since, and every single day I am glad that I had the opportunity to be there.
It was also where I was the day the World Trade Centers were demolished. I stood on the bank of the River Thames on a bright, sunny day - exactly like the one in Manhattan, London's "sister city" - and watched the tv footage. I was miles and miles away from my friends and family, and I looked around in awe as the British continued on about their daily lives. British television took breaks for commercials. Public transportation continued to run. The world around me continued, while 5 hours away, it stopped.
This is the exact same viewpoint that we Americans, "safe" at home, have on the tragedy across the pond. Our instinct was to be critical of European insensitivity after 9/11, yet here they are, now experiencing the same horror. I'm not sure what my point is here... just that now we get a chance to see what they saw. YOU get to see 9/11 through MY eyes. The loss of life in sheer numbers might have been greater, but proportionately it's very close.
The single, most important thing I remember from that experience was the kindness, gallantry and graciousness I felt extended towards me - an American living in London - by the locals. I suppose my sincere hope is that those of us here remember the pain we felt and extend the same courtesy to the British suffering their own personal tragedies here on American soil.
Okay, now I feel better. That's about as "patriotic" as I get.
It was also where I was the day the World Trade Centers were demolished. I stood on the bank of the River Thames on a bright, sunny day - exactly like the one in Manhattan, London's "sister city" - and watched the tv footage. I was miles and miles away from my friends and family, and I looked around in awe as the British continued on about their daily lives. British television took breaks for commercials. Public transportation continued to run. The world around me continued, while 5 hours away, it stopped.
This is the exact same viewpoint that we Americans, "safe" at home, have on the tragedy across the pond. Our instinct was to be critical of European insensitivity after 9/11, yet here they are, now experiencing the same horror. I'm not sure what my point is here... just that now we get a chance to see what they saw. YOU get to see 9/11 through MY eyes. The loss of life in sheer numbers might have been greater, but proportionately it's very close.
The single, most important thing I remember from that experience was the kindness, gallantry and graciousness I felt extended towards me - an American living in London - by the locals. I suppose my sincere hope is that those of us here remember the pain we felt and extend the same courtesy to the British suffering their own personal tragedies here on American soil.
Okay, now I feel better. That's about as "patriotic" as I get.
Watch Those Lbs Melt!
Me: what the hell would I do without this calendar
Me: it looks like a war zone
Me: when did I get a life?
Casey: when you lost the best 200 lbs you ever lost
(I informed her that it was closer to 250lbs)
Me: it looks like a war zone
Me: when did I get a life?
Casey: when you lost the best 200 lbs you ever lost
(I informed her that it was closer to 250lbs)
QOTD 7/8/05
This morning's quotes:
Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try
to love the questions themselves. Live the questions now.
Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it,
live along some distant day into the answer.
- Rainer Maria Rilke
True, we love life, not because we are used to living, but
because we are used to loving. There is always some madness
in love, but there is also always some reason in madness.
- Friedrich Nietzsche
I think I'm going to have a lot to post about today...
Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try
to love the questions themselves. Live the questions now.
Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it,
live along some distant day into the answer.
- Rainer Maria Rilke
True, we love life, not because we are used to living, but
because we are used to loving. There is always some madness
in love, but there is also always some reason in madness.
- Friedrich Nietzsche
I think I'm going to have a lot to post about today...
July 07, 2005
To Post or Not To Post
So I'm having an inner debate. I wrote a lot (okay, a little) in a journal during my vacation - mostly while sitting bored in the airport or stuck on the plane. I ended up having hours and hours to kill. Should I post my "travel log"? Do all 3 of my "loyal readers" find that it may be worth reading? If so, should I post part or all of it? Comments, thoughts, suggestions? I guess it all depends on how bored I get at work in the next few days.
I will tell you this:
While I was on vacation, my father hit my 3 month old car with the lawn mower. THE LAWNMOWER. HE HIT MY CAR WITH HIS STUPID LAWN MOWER!!! The one person on the planet who probably understands my psychoses the best and knows EXACTLY what my reaction would be, thought it was a good idea to go anywhere withing a 1-foot radius of my new car with his lawnmower. How much do I want to kill him right now?
I will tell you this:
While I was on vacation, my father hit my 3 month old car with the lawn mower. THE LAWNMOWER. HE HIT MY CAR WITH HIS STUPID LAWN MOWER!!! The one person on the planet who probably understands my psychoses the best and knows EXACTLY what my reaction would be, thought it was a good idea to go anywhere withing a 1-foot radius of my new car with his lawnmower. How much do I want to kill him right now?
June 30, 2005
Why
I figured out last night on the way home from the gym what my deal is with the running. Some of it, at least.
Some of it is the idea of pushing myself physically. Part of me has always wanted to be an 'athlete', or is fascinated by those who are. [I've always dated/was infatuated with jocks and athletes.] I never thought I had it in me, and I've never really known my limits. I didn't think I had the drive. As an equestrian, I could get on a horse and know 'I can do this and other people can't'. I haven't been on a horse in almost two years. Now I know when I get up in the morning that I CAN run a mile and a half - I can count on my body to do it. Every day. A year ago, I couldn't count on my body to get me across the street. I was sickly; I felt and looked it. I feel good when I leave the gym. I'm starting to realize that it's not just vanity that drives people to work out, run and lift weights... it's more internal. I also feel more in tune with my body... as if working every muscle reminds me that they're all there, and what they're up to. If something's wrong, I know it right away, versus just the general ache/hum of things in working order.
The other part of the equation is warped... but I think it's about being the complete opposite of what I was when I was with John. While we were together, the relationship was the single most important thing in my life. His happiness (or lack thereof) was The Big Deal. Everything else took a backseat. Now I fill my time with lots of vitally important factors - friends, family, work, my cat, volunteering, writing, music, exercise ... there's a noticeable lack of romantic relationships, but I've strengthened everything else. I worry less about the happiness of others (though definitely not completely forgotten) and more about my own. My lifestyle was also unhealthy - together we ate crappy food (and too much of it), didn't exercise, smoked, drank, sat on our butts. Going for a bike ride or hike was something we would do maybe tomorrow - when we weren't so tired. I've cut almost all of that out. Every time I get on the treadmill (no matter how tired) and start to run, it reminds me of how far I've come from what I was 7 months ago. I'm proud of what I've rebuilt from the pieces of me that were left after the crash, and I think the new me is stronger, better, prettier, smarter, harder, healthier. It's the new version - Becky 7.0. As I run and watch my reflection in the glass as the sun sets, it's a reminder.
Some of it is the idea of pushing myself physically. Part of me has always wanted to be an 'athlete', or is fascinated by those who are. [I've always dated/was infatuated with jocks and athletes.] I never thought I had it in me, and I've never really known my limits. I didn't think I had the drive. As an equestrian, I could get on a horse and know 'I can do this and other people can't'. I haven't been on a horse in almost two years. Now I know when I get up in the morning that I CAN run a mile and a half - I can count on my body to do it. Every day. A year ago, I couldn't count on my body to get me across the street. I was sickly; I felt and looked it. I feel good when I leave the gym. I'm starting to realize that it's not just vanity that drives people to work out, run and lift weights... it's more internal. I also feel more in tune with my body... as if working every muscle reminds me that they're all there, and what they're up to. If something's wrong, I know it right away, versus just the general ache/hum of things in working order.
The other part of the equation is warped... but I think it's about being the complete opposite of what I was when I was with John. While we were together, the relationship was the single most important thing in my life. His happiness (or lack thereof) was The Big Deal. Everything else took a backseat. Now I fill my time with lots of vitally important factors - friends, family, work, my cat, volunteering, writing, music, exercise ... there's a noticeable lack of romantic relationships, but I've strengthened everything else. I worry less about the happiness of others (though definitely not completely forgotten) and more about my own. My lifestyle was also unhealthy - together we ate crappy food (and too much of it), didn't exercise, smoked, drank, sat on our butts. Going for a bike ride or hike was something we would do maybe tomorrow - when we weren't so tired. I've cut almost all of that out. Every time I get on the treadmill (no matter how tired) and start to run, it reminds me of how far I've come from what I was 7 months ago. I'm proud of what I've rebuilt from the pieces of me that were left after the crash, and I think the new me is stronger, better, prettier, smarter, harder, healthier. It's the new version - Becky 7.0. As I run and watch my reflection in the glass as the sun sets, it's a reminder.
June 29, 2005
Flight or... Flight
I ran almost 2 miles yesterday. It surprised me, because I felt like crap even before I got on the treadmill... but I just kept running and running and running.... very strange. It seems to be that I run my best when I feel the worst. Of course, the news was on. That helps, because I get all fired up and angry, so I keep going, like a derranged Energizer Bunny. Sometimes I wonder if I'm running as a catharsis... or if I'm running away from something. The thought that I might be running from something makes me feel kind of uncomfortable. That, in turn, makes me run harder...
June 28, 2005
QOTD
I recently signed up for a Quote-of-the-Day. [I was having a whimsical, inspirations moment. It's over, and now I'm stuck with these annoying emails every day. The quotes aren't terrible, however.]
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can
only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust
that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have
to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma,
whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has
made all the difference in my life.
--Steven Jobs, Founder of Apple Computer
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can
only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust
that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have
to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma,
whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has
made all the difference in my life.
--Steven Jobs, Founder of Apple Computer
June 26, 2005
Five Stars
While watching Next Food Network Star, I've decided that the next guy I sleep with needs to be a chef. The last one was just a fat pothead who liked to eat and THOUGHT he could cook [with WAY too much 'Ol' Bay']. I'm talking pretty plates, drizzly sauces, and some kind of kickass dish involving flaky crusty dough and utensils I've never seen. Sprigs of parsely, while cliche, are welcome. Pastry chefs will be encouraged to apply, and will be immediately bumped to the top of the list.
The good news is, they just voted off the most attractive contestant. Food Network shoots in NYC, right?
The good news is, they just voted off the most attractive contestant. Food Network shoots in NYC, right?
June 24, 2005
More Timecapsules
A year ago today, I was lying in a hospital bed. After I post this, I will be lying in my own bed... taking a nap.
All this reminiscing is making me nostalgic. Part of me misses the Ex. Why do I still remember a phone number I haven't dialed in over 7 months?
All this reminiscing is making me nostalgic. Part of me misses the Ex. Why do I still remember a phone number I haven't dialed in over 7 months?
June 23, 2005
Cleanliness Is A Virtue
Is it overly strange that I'd prefer to drink from the cup of water I pour for my cat every morning that the one my brother uses? His is much dirtier....
June 21, 2005
Diary
...
If i get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me
threatening the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to...
If i get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me
threatening the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to...
June 20, 2005
A Time Capsule
June 20, 2004: [a quick recap] I was the only sober person at a Phish show.
The day before, my oldest friend's soon-to-be brother-in-law died tragically... on the morning of her wedding shower. I had found out just a day prior to the shower that I would have to have emergency surgery the following week... yet I couldn't let my boyfriend down and NOT go to the show. Because that's the kind of girlfriend [doormat] I was. So there I was, surrounded by Phish heads drinking, smoking, and doing various drugs...while I sat in a lawn chair eating an apple. Because I was too damn sick (physically and heartsick for Michelle as well) to do anything else. That night when we got home from the show [which was endless], The Ex asked me if I was scared about my surgery. Was I scared? The girl who'd never even had her wisdom teeth removed was going under general anesthetic and staying overnight in the hospital and they were going to cut her open and shove a tube down her throat and one in her arm and TAKE OUT AN ORGAN. What did he think? That was followed by his passive-aggresive version of "Where Is Our Relationship Going?, Part 2". Oh-so appropriate time for THAT, don't you think? He didn't visit me in the hospital. [Strangely enough, we didn't break up for another 6 months].
June 20, 2005: [fast forward] Phish is no longer a band. Too bad for the drugged-out Phish heads.
Michelle and Joe have been married for almost a year... she is 5 months pregnant, and the baby will be named in memory of Frank. It will soon be time for another shower. I spent my day at work, keeping in touch with old friends and having lunch with new ones. I have lost 15lbs since last year. After work, I ran a mile and a quarter on the treadmill. A year ago, I couldn't walk 10 feet. I'm single, but at least I won't be spending my evening with a hoard of people that I can't relate to, wondering why I'm trying so hard... and still feeling like an outsider.
It's funny how you can look back and see so clearly that your life a year ago was like that pair of pants you always have to suck your stomach in to get into... but never really look right... when the life you have now is like those jeans you have in the back of the closet - you always forget how perfect they fit until you put them on. I'm sure, however it's a beautiful night at SPAC this evening... just like it was on June 20, 2004.
The day before, my oldest friend's soon-to-be brother-in-law died tragically... on the morning of her wedding shower. I had found out just a day prior to the shower that I would have to have emergency surgery the following week... yet I couldn't let my boyfriend down and NOT go to the show. Because that's the kind of girlfriend [doormat] I was. So there I was, surrounded by Phish heads drinking, smoking, and doing various drugs...while I sat in a lawn chair eating an apple. Because I was too damn sick (physically and heartsick for Michelle as well) to do anything else. That night when we got home from the show [which was endless], The Ex asked me if I was scared about my surgery. Was I scared? The girl who'd never even had her wisdom teeth removed was going under general anesthetic and staying overnight in the hospital and they were going to cut her open and shove a tube down her throat and one in her arm and TAKE OUT AN ORGAN. What did he think? That was followed by his passive-aggresive version of "Where Is Our Relationship Going?, Part 2". Oh-so appropriate time for THAT, don't you think? He didn't visit me in the hospital. [Strangely enough, we didn't break up for another 6 months].
June 20, 2005: [fast forward] Phish is no longer a band. Too bad for the drugged-out Phish heads.
Michelle and Joe have been married for almost a year... she is 5 months pregnant, and the baby will be named in memory of Frank. It will soon be time for another shower. I spent my day at work, keeping in touch with old friends and having lunch with new ones. I have lost 15lbs since last year. After work, I ran a mile and a quarter on the treadmill. A year ago, I couldn't walk 10 feet. I'm single, but at least I won't be spending my evening with a hoard of people that I can't relate to, wondering why I'm trying so hard... and still feeling like an outsider.
It's funny how you can look back and see so clearly that your life a year ago was like that pair of pants you always have to suck your stomach in to get into... but never really look right... when the life you have now is like those jeans you have in the back of the closet - you always forget how perfect they fit until you put them on. I'm sure, however it's a beautiful night at SPAC this evening... just like it was on June 20, 2004.
Run, Forrest
I've got lots of good blog ideas running through my head, but as always, when I sit down to write... I've got nothing interesting to say.
Weird day at the office today. I think I'm in a funk. I've been so tired lately... maybe it's because of the running. I started running last week. Yes, Ms. "I don't run unless I'm being chased" began running... basically because Casey proposed it to me in a way that didn't seem completely reprehensible (don't ask me how she did THAT). She also knows me so well that she managed to squeeze a promise that I'd run a 5K with her in July - which of course, is now the reason I won't back out. Damn Casey for knowing me so well! Anyway, so now here I am, a running fool. Someone at work told me that it takes 3 weeks for your body to 'form a habit' or, translated into a way I'll understand, will be energized instead of exhausted from it. So I've go another solid 2 weeks of complete exhaustion before I'll start feeling the benefits of the running. In other words... right before the race. Which I'll run, and then promptly never run again, knowing me. I'm so darned fickle.
It's 4:40pm and I'm stuck at my Office Space desk until 6pm. Heard any good jokes lately?
Weird day at the office today. I think I'm in a funk. I've been so tired lately... maybe it's because of the running. I started running last week. Yes, Ms. "I don't run unless I'm being chased" began running... basically because Casey proposed it to me in a way that didn't seem completely reprehensible (don't ask me how she did THAT). She also knows me so well that she managed to squeeze a promise that I'd run a 5K with her in July - which of course, is now the reason I won't back out. Damn Casey for knowing me so well! Anyway, so now here I am, a running fool. Someone at work told me that it takes 3 weeks for your body to 'form a habit' or, translated into a way I'll understand, will be energized instead of exhausted from it. So I've go another solid 2 weeks of complete exhaustion before I'll start feeling the benefits of the running. In other words... right before the race. Which I'll run, and then promptly never run again, knowing me. I'm so darned fickle.
It's 4:40pm and I'm stuck at my Office Space desk until 6pm. Heard any good jokes lately?
June 17, 2005
June 15, 2005
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