Psychotics

It's weird to know that people who know me actually read my blog. That they seem to be interested in what I have to say. Probably you guys are just bored, surfing the net with nothing to do. Maybe you're amused at my psychoses. Either way, it's appreciated. Considering I feel that I tend to talk everyone's ears off about the same old stuff all the time... I don't know. I'm rambling, per usual in my life. I know my comments lately have been pretty down... things haven't been easy to deal with. Regardless, I know I'm still one of the lucky ones... my heart just bleeds for those who aren't. It's hard when the people you care about so much are feeling so much pain that you can't fix... when you're pissed off and furious about things you can do nothing about, or at people who don't care about the effects of their actions. From now on, I'm going to work on being more positive. Maybe that's the best thing I can do - for myself, and everyone else.

Yay

I got a job offer!!! For a job I want!

Things I Hate About Everyone

Here's a list of things that I've decided I hate, in no particular order. I'm sure I will continue to add to it as time goes on.

Things I Hate.

- cell phones in movies
- incompetent doctors
- false hope
- cancer/AIDS/Lupus/various other diseases
- bad things happening to good people
- HR representatives
- power hungry, self-important assholes
- bad breath
- zits
- being a doormat
- no hot water in the shower
- cellulite
- blatant disregard for others
- BO
- the noise my car/phone/computer/tv/dvd player makes when it's broken
- victoria's secret models
- The "President"
- things done in the name of religion
- did I mention self-important assholes?

Super Trooper

I blew off an interview today.

I'm kind of shocked at myself. This is a pretty atypical thing for me to do, in all of my well-trained glory. My only real excuse is that this last week has been pretty stressful, with no end in sight. After four trial-by-fire interviews already this week... Yesterday started with a (8 hour) drive to Cape Cod with a friend to pick up her new "puppy" (if you call a 3-year old pitbull that slobbers a puppy), followed by (in chronological order):
- a strained ankle after tripping on the sidewalk
- 4 hours dressed up like a pirate wench trotting around to promote for Captain Morgan (which is SO demeaning, but pays much better than my waitressing job)
- getting almost killed, then pulled over at midnight by a NYS trooper for "cutting him off" when he was driving a dark blue police car in the pouring rain WITHOUT HIS LIGHTS ON
- coming home to chase the kitten around the house while she attacked everything that moved until 2am.

I'm tired, and will be trekking off to NYC for the weekend... which means no rest in sight. So when I broke down in the car this morning on the way to an interview for a job that I have absolutely 0 interest in, with an individual who couldn't be bothered to give my his # so I could at least make up a good lie instead of standing him up, I said "fuck it" and came home. Not thrilled about heading south for the weekend, but considering that my best friend's husband starts chemo and radiation next week... after all that she's been through, if she wants to go shopping in NYC, we'll go shopping. So what if I don't get to sleep until... next Friday?

He's Just Not That Into You

I am not Tier 4. I am not Tier 3. And quite frankly, I don't really think I'm down with Tier 2. Don't waste the pretty, ladies!

Damned If We Do

How is it that some people get to live their lives with absolutely no consequences? They can lie, cheat, steal, get arrested, do drugs, and just generally be useless, but are never penalized for it? Then there are those, in contrast, who spend their entire lives living within the confines of those consequences? People like me, who pay their bills on time, are painfully honest and well behaved, and don't even turn on a 'no turn on red' sign, for fear of getting caught? Who do we fault for this? The parents? Society? The government, the education system? "God"? I'd really, really like to know. Because I've spent about %95 of my life trying really hard to be a good person. If I ever, by chance, fuck up, I get caught. And I get in trouble. Why is it that those of us who are good people seem to be penalized for it, when those that don't give a rat's ass are rewarded? It's a cruel, miserable fucking world we live in, where the good people are damned and the not-so-good are rewarded. I guess all we have to do is look at the political state of the country to see that in action though, right?

...

A job would be nice too.

And for the entire appointed/ "elected" staff in the White House to drop dead from some kind of infectious disease that only infects ultra-conservative, idiot republicans.

(Does this mean I'm a terrorist?)

Better Than... Chocolate?

I love my IPod. Who needs a boyfriend when you have an IPod? Listening to good music from a piece of technology that practically reads your mind is better than sex, hands down. All I want this year for the holidays is a big fat gift certificate to the ITunes music store. And peace on earth, a cure for cancer, the end of hunger and AIDS. And for the EX to be lonely and miserable. And maybe a cute toy for the kitten.

Non-Sequitir

So to combat my depression of the last few months that cumulated in my neanderthal boyfriend breaking up with me two weeks ago, I decided to bring home a kitten. Because, y'know, there's nothing MORE uplifting than being a cat-lady at (almost) 24. Maybe not the smartest move, but hell... she needed a home and I needed a warm body in my bed every once in a while. Now, she's cute as anything, but what a TERROR. I grew up with dogs. Cats I played with at other people's houses, and occaisionally they peed on me. Dogs listen, are trainable. Cats really just do whatever they feel like, and when you scold them, they simply scold you back. I know everyone says 'if only they could stay cute little kittens', but I'm saying 'I can't wait until she's a lazy old cat that just wants to sleep all day'. There are two plusses I'm finding so far. 1 - she came potty-trained, and (so far) messes are a non-issue. 2 - she sits in my lap. Sometimes. Oh, and the purring is kind of cute.

I don't know if having a cat is helping me cope. It's nice not to be alone in the house during the day while I job-search (although if she were a dog, we could be out getting exercise). I'm a little concerned that I made such a long-term decision in a fit of heartbroken misery... but I guess that's what I get for being spontaneous, just this once.

I'm still having 'Happily In Relationship Land' dreams on a fairly regular basis. In the last year, I'd forgotten how depressing it is to wake up from one of those and remember that it's gone and it's never coming back. At least there are bigger things in my life to worry about right now... like my best friend's new husband getting through chemo and radiation. Ah, the holidays...

Endings

The end of a relationship is such a crappy thing. There's no dignity in its death - it goes kicking and screaming, drowning and suffocating, no matter how much dignity you yourself try to maintain. It reaches out from the quicksand and tries to drag you along. And although no physical person has actually died, it feels like a part of your life has. So what do we do? We readjust, refocus, shifting things from the periphery to the forefront of our emotional depth, like an internal camera, digitally remastering our destiny. I suppose that each time your heart is broken, the refocusing period takes less time. A poem I once had on my wall ended with the phrase 'with every goodbye, you learn', and I think that's probably true. This is a tough one for me, but I'm going to try to come out of it with as little baggage as possible. Life is too short to get weighed down, and besides I'm a light traveller.


Just one question - why does it seem I always fall for guys who will never get over their exes?

Scrooge

Okay, so scratch the 'great boyfriend' off of the list below. God, I hate the Holidays.

Bad Movies

somebody offered me their gallbladder on the internet. That's kind of creepy. Reminds me of that line in Scream (I think it was Scream) when Matthew Lillard says something about finding someone's pancreas and liver in the mailbox (or was that Jamie Kennedy?)

Dazed II

Just for the record, I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I know I'm a very lucky individual right now. I'm not gay and being denied my right to live my life by the government, I'm not being drafted (yet) or sent to Iraq, I'm not on welfare, I'm not in debt (yet). I'm not poor, starving, dying of AIDS/Parkinsons/Alzheimers/Cancer/Heart Disease. I don't need a flu shot. I have a roof over my head,a job and a car to drive. I have a wonderful family, a great boyfriend, and a pet fish. All of my parts work, except my myopic eyes (which laser surgery may one day fix) and a gallbladder that I no longer have. I am a very lucky girl.

But it makes me wonder... if I feel this way today, how must those other people feel right now? The ones who don't have what I have? And how do I help?

Dazed

Do you ever just have one of those days?

You wake up in the morning from a bad dream (which somehow has the ability to determine your mood indefinitely) and realize that your life has somehow gone completely off-course? That it has, in fact, become a steaming pile? You can't find a new job because the economy is shit (no one is even CALLING about the 30 resumes you sent out this week, except for the one as a secretary at the Yoga center, who informed you that you're 'not qualified), your car is such a piece of garbage that someone offers to push it into the Hudson for you (if only you had Theft Insurance), you hate your lousy, morally degrading waitressing job, you're living with your parents at 24, you have no dental insurance and you think you have a cavity, it's cold and miserable out, you wish you could go back to grad school but have no money, and even your best friends are driving you nuts?

I'm having one of those days.

In my dream last night, I was being verbally abused by some obnoxious customers while waitressing, and was fruitlessly trying to explain to them that I graduated from the best Communications school in the country with high honors, and that I shouldn't even be there. They didn't care. All they cared about was ordering something from the menu that didn't exist. Figures.

Post This

So the only comment I've yet to see here is from someone chapping my ass over not posting enough. See, I was kind of figuring nobody really READ anything I had to say, so why bother writing? Besides... I'm still boring and unemployed. I'll post something when I have something to post. In the meantime... say nice, supportive things or I'll sick my shrink on you!!

The Slightly Realer World

I love not being in NYC anymore... but I HATE being unemployed. I, as a person, have no concept of what to do with myself for hours on end of free time. I've been here a week. So far I've thrown 15 bags of trash out of my room, gone shopping 3 times, played several hours of computer games, moved my boyfriend into a new apartment, joined the Y, and reorganized my closet. I'm still bored out of my ever loving mind. 3 nights a week at the dreaded Pub is not enough to occupy my time. All I can say is.. I need a job. Soon. And it had better not suck.

Starving Ethiopians

Do you have any concept of how much food the people at my office waste, every day? Just to amuse themselves during their endless meetings, they order tons and tons of food. Of course, since everyone at a predominantly-female office is on a diet, most of it goes uneaten. Gotta love Corporate America...

Drunken Wildlife

This morning I had an apple for breakfast...

Just kidding. I didn't even eat breakfast.

It's actually pretty amusing that I've had so much trouble getting this journal up and running. Even more amusing... it wasn't the setup, it wasn't figuring out what to write... nope. It was the username I had a tough time with. Go figure. I've had the same online handle for 10 years, and apparently, I'm resistant to change. Everyone always has such creative, witty little screen names that I'm so jealous of. For example, ICIAM2YS4U. That's cute, right? Or Cusecheer, or GoatRider4 (you all know who you are) and the best that I can come up with is... my initials. My name spelled backward doesn't even spell anything - ykceb. Wow, that's exciting. Then again...

As a side note, this morning the Today Show did a segment about a black bear that broke into a camper's cooler, drank 30 cans of Coors Light and passed out, then climbed a tree to sleep it off. It's a comfort to know that there's such hard-hitting, gritty journalism going on today.